I Watched Thunderbolts* But I Want To Rant About Screen X

I’d say that Thunderbolts* is by far the least embarrassing Marvel movie in many years! There’s actually a lot to talk about. Many positives. Many negatives. But now isn't the time for that. 

No. 

Now is the time to talk about Screen X, something that was seemingly created by a group of people who have either never seen a movie, or actively hate them? Maybe it's a miXed group that include people from both sides? 

For those blissfully unaware, Screen X, in the proud tradition of movie theater gimmicks that make no fucking sense, is when you have the picture "eXtend" from the sides of the screen. 

Oh shit. I actually get where the "X" name comes from now after typing that out. I suppose Screen eXtend sounds stupid so they did the modern naming thing of putting an X in something to signify you don’t feel like numbering something anymore, or you want to rebrand a social media site where a bunch of fascist grifters can jerk each other off. I have to admit, my opinion on the letter X is at an all time low. Down there with “A” and “I” right now.

That was a distracting tangent, which feels appropriate for the most off-putting distraction in a movie theater since I was in high school and saw a woman getting fingered at a screening of Coach Carter.

How'd did I end up in this theater? Well, my brother purchased the tickets and I showed up. He's not a stickler for details and I also assumed when he said Screen X in his text, he meant RPX, another premium format in theaters that feels like it doesn't justify the eXtra few bucks you pay for it. I really didn't think twice about it. 

I should have thought twice about it.

Maybe even three times. 

When the sides of the wall lit up as the first scene started I felt the same way when my father once walked in on me and my high school girlfriend heavily making out. I had no idea why the room got so bright and then abject horror immediately filled my entire being. Two high school anecdotes in one blog is two too many but here we are. Screen X has completely thrown me off my game. I can’t even come up with a smooth transition into the next paragraph. I hope my obnoxious writing gives you the same headache I got while watching this movie.

Right. Watching the movie.

On a purely presentation side, it's a disaster. The "screens" on the side are projected onto grey fabric walls. So the colors will NEVER match up to what is being shown on the screen. It's dim, faded, and lacks any pop for the colors. It brightens up the theater to an uncomfortable degree. I shouldn't be able to see the full outline of a person during a dark scene. I should have to squint to see someone getting fingered in a theater, you know what I mean?

Speaking of dark scenes, I don't know if this was the theater's fault or if this is a quirk of the format, but there was a light band through the whole middle of the main screen. The best way to describe it is if you're watching a movie at home in a dark room and someone turns on the lights behind you. That light reflection shows up on the TV. Same shit here, but I'm AT A MOVIE THEATER. Nobody is grabbing a drink from the kitchen behind me here. I was BEGGING for day scenes because then I wouldn't see this stupid fucking band.

The side screens are a distraction at all times. When they're on, they look bad, take away from what's going on in front of you, and I'm pretty sure like most (if not all) of the eXtensions are CGI? I watched an eXtra walk from the side screen to the main one and they were like half the frame rate and also didn't really move their legs? Sometimes an actor's face would be lifelessly blown up and projected onto the side without blinking or moving. Then the sides will just turn off in a talky scene.

You would think it would be a nice reprieve when there were scenes that didn't involve the side screens. You would be wrong. It's the same sensation as winding up a Jack in the BoX. You know it's going to eventually pop out and you can't relax before it does. It's the knowing that sucks. 

On the artistic side, I find this morally reprehensible. Frames in art eXist for a reason. Technical and artistically they're a constraint. But within that finite space there are an infinite amount of possibilities that artists work tirelessly to make decisions for. Why place someone there? Why move the camera that way? Why use that color? 

Are those decisions always good? As someone who has seen The Flash, no they're not. Sometimes all the decisions are bad. But those choices are purposeful and intentional. When you remove intention from art, it becomes lifeless. Screen X destroys intention. It destroys life. 

It is anti-film. It is anti-art. It also really looks like ass. 

I hate it with every fiber of my movie loving body. Fuck Screen X.


My Favorite Music of 2021, in Playlist Form

I like when the sounds are pretty.

Here are my favorite songs (the only rule I have is one song per artist) in three different flavors, for whatever exploitative streaming service you use. Buy merch from bands you like. That’s all I got.

YouTube Music:
https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLDm5cEKBkpRkeoxnImFggb4fKWNxArx7X&feature=share


Apple Music:
https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/my-favorite-music-in-this-the-year-of-our-lorde-2021/pl.u-ZmblV41f0rPj2q


Spotify:
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5IMAQ9tJaWu1ldz7rhHDjo?si=bd153c942ba3433b

Sound off on what you liked!

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I Watched Movies in 2019 And Now I Have Thoughts

In no particular order here are my favorite movies of the year. I went through a lot of change this year so I saw about half of what typically see. That means I’m at 45 films that came out in 2019. Per usual, if it’s not on this list, I either didn’t get to it (yet) or I hated it. Obviously there’s no inbetween. 

Uncut Gems - A rollercoaster ride that only goes up and eventually launches you off of it to your fiery death.  
Parasite - Capitalism is poison, apparently so are peaches to a certain subset of people with a fruit allergy. 
Ready or Not - Might be the best movie of the year. Certainly the best ending. Eat the rich but have fun while doing it. Samara Weaving is the deal (watch Mayhem!)
Ad Astra - Space, the final frontier to explore daddy issues. Dad Astra, Sad Astra, Mad Astra, but certainly not Bad Astra. 
Booksmart - Funny, touching, relatable, and has an underwater scene with the perfect needle drop. That’s my catnip.
Shazam! - No, YOU have Mom abandonment issues! 
Furie - What’s this? A killer action vehicle where the shitty mom admits her mistakes, seeks out her child, all while stabbing a lot of people? I imagine that’s a dream mom for a certain type of person. 
Knives Out - What a snack of a film. Nobody does payoffs like Rian Johnson, so a murder mystery is the perfect genre for him. Daniel Craig’s accent is my kink. 
Fighting With My Family - I have no idea what was going on with me on this day, but there was no movie I cried during more than this one. Florence Pugh is the deal. 
Shadow - There are like sword umbrellas? There are sword umbrellas!
Midsommar - One of the funniest films of the year. I can’t hammer (lol) this point enough but Florence Pugh is the deal.
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood - This is me being optimistic that subsequent rewatches will warm me up to the film more than I currently am.
Crawl - People don’t appreciate a film that sets out and accomplishes all its goals. Crawl does it with ruthless gator chomping efficiency. Kaya Scodelario gave one of the best performances of the year. 
Terminator: Dark Fate - I think it was a down year for big-budget blockbusters, and I was hesitant to see another Terminator film that also has one of the worst trailers I’ve ever seen. But damn, if this movie isn’t doing a lot of interesting work while also giving us Arnold playing a dude named Carl, the least believable thing in a time-travel, death robot, chosen one, series. 
John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum - Headshots for Daddy. 

MUSIC: 
Playlist of my favorite 75 tracks of the year and the links from two different services to said music.

Google Play:
https://play.google.com/music/listen#/pl/AMaBXynrBeRUFsWA7geFadBvpor3bEI89NzOkvvAPqU8bVzRZPOUBEAAuv_6wU-dVx79NQYKxN8GWZhxUgCUemB4HSN0e4RbYA%3D%3D

Spotify:
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3fUzGjzmj7XtPfn3B98Fjr?si=0OAyOjMCScqLL78Lubc58w