I’d say that Thunderbolts* is by far the least embarrassing Marvel movie in many years! There’s actually a lot to talk about. Many positives. Many negatives. But now isn't the time for that.
No.
Now is the time to talk about Screen X, something that was seemingly created by a group of people who have either never seen a movie, or actively hate them? Maybe it's a miXed group that include people from both sides?
For those blissfully unaware, Screen X, in the proud tradition of movie theater gimmicks that make no fucking sense, is when you have the picture "eXtend" from the sides of the screen.
Oh shit. I actually get where the "X" name comes from now after typing that out. I suppose Screen eXtend sounds stupid so they did the modern naming thing of putting an X in something to signify you don’t feel like numbering something anymore, or you want to rebrand a social media site where a bunch of fascist grifters can jerk each other off. I have to admit, my opinion on the letter X is at an all time low. Down there with “A” and “I” right now.
That was a distracting tangent, which feels appropriate for the most off-putting distraction in a movie theater since I was in high school and saw a woman getting fingered at a screening of Coach Carter.
How'd did I end up in this theater? Well, my brother purchased the tickets and I showed up. He's not a stickler for details and I also assumed when he said Screen X in his text, he meant RPX, another premium format in theaters that feels like it doesn't justify the eXtra few bucks you pay for it. I really didn't think twice about it.
I should have thought twice about it.
Maybe even three times.
When the sides of the wall lit up as the first scene started I felt the same way when my father once walked in on me and my high school girlfriend heavily making out. I had no idea why the room got so bright and then abject horror immediately filled my entire being. Two high school anecdotes in one blog is two too many but here we are. Screen X has completely thrown me off my game. I can’t even come up with a smooth transition into the next paragraph. I hope my obnoxious writing gives you the same headache I got while watching this movie.
Right. Watching the movie.
On a purely presentation side, it's a disaster. The "screens" on the side are projected onto grey fabric walls. So the colors will NEVER match up to what is being shown on the screen. It's dim, faded, and lacks any pop for the colors. It brightens up the theater to an uncomfortable degree. I shouldn't be able to see the full outline of a person during a dark scene. I should have to squint to see someone getting fingered in a theater, you know what I mean?
Speaking of dark scenes, I don't know if this was the theater's fault or if this is a quirk of the format, but there was a light band through the whole middle of the main screen. The best way to describe it is if you're watching a movie at home in a dark room and someone turns on the lights behind you. That light reflection shows up on the TV. Same shit here, but I'm AT A MOVIE THEATER. Nobody is grabbing a drink from the kitchen behind me here. I was BEGGING for day scenes because then I wouldn't see this stupid fucking band.
The side screens are a distraction at all times. When they're on, they look bad, take away from what's going on in front of you, and I'm pretty sure like most (if not all) of the eXtensions are CGI? I watched an eXtra walk from the side screen to the main one and they were like half the frame rate and also didn't really move their legs? Sometimes an actor's face would be lifelessly blown up and projected onto the side without blinking or moving. Then the sides will just turn off in a talky scene.
You would think it would be a nice reprieve when there were scenes that didn't involve the side screens. You would be wrong. It's the same sensation as winding up a Jack in the BoX. You know it's going to eventually pop out and you can't relax before it does. It's the knowing that sucks.
On the artistic side, I find this morally reprehensible. Frames in art eXist for a reason. Technical and artistically they're a constraint. But within that finite space there are an infinite amount of possibilities that artists work tirelessly to make decisions for. Why place someone there? Why move the camera that way? Why use that color?
Are those decisions always good? As someone who has seen The Flash, no they're not. Sometimes all the decisions are bad. But those choices are purposeful and intentional. When you remove intention from art, it becomes lifeless. Screen X destroys intention. It destroys life.
It is anti-film. It is anti-art. It also really looks like ass.
I hate it with every fiber of my movie loving body. Fuck Screen X.